Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
