a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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