come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
