Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
