my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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