I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
