Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Randomize
