i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Randomize
