Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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