Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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