If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
She swung at the pinata with crutches
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
