Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
