i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
It's official drugs can't kill me
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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