Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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