have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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