textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
