Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
