i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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