The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
