Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
