Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I could fuck to npr.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
