i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Randomize
