Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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