You can't special order awesome
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
