I just pynch a tree in the face
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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