Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
