The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Randomize
