I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
