shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
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