I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
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