Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
