I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
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