I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
