JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
