Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Did we literally take a cab across the street
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
