You smell like stripper and shame
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
