I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
