why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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