does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
two words...techno handjob
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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