Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
God I need to hump something, right now.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize