you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
