i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
