you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Randomize
