Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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