so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
