I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
