'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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