i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
