Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
