I have no recollection of sleep choking you
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize