I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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