i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
