mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
We're not piercing ourselves today.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
