That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
