if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
