I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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