He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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